by EM2WL | Jun 30, 2014 | Building Muscle, Self Acceptance, The Journey
Perpetual diets often land us on a completely different path than expected. Many of us find ourselves on the frontline of Eating Disorder recovery, or fighting off the ED thoughts that a lifetime of dieting encourages. April shares a reflection of her mental journey with ED, an amazing encouragement for those still in the struggle.
It’s been about two years since I met Kiki and Lucia and the EM2WL society. Two years since I started really listening to the advice given to me. Two years since I started fighting the false need to restrict and purge, two years since I threw out the 100-calorie meals and traded them in for what my body really needed, two years since I put down the baby weights and picked up a barbell.
It hasn’t been easy.
The summer of 2012 is when it all began, and I remember it so well. With the encouragement of EM2WL, I’d started to eat a bit more, quite a bit more, and lifting just prior to our summer vacation in Canada. I was still working out like a maniac, getting up at 5am for cardio and then following it up with weights after work. The idea of going to a foreign country without any specific workout schedule was debilitating. The weeks leading up to vacation, I had mini panic attacks that only slowed to a mild fear once my friend secured me a 3-day pass to the Y for our visit.
Also during those weeks, I started to bloat. The extra calories I was consuming (and needed) were throwing my poor body out of whack. My metabolism was such a mess from years of underfeeding it that my body had no choice but to bloat up. My children’s size 12 jean leggings were starting to get too tight, but I shoved myself into them during that vacation. I still fit into my double zero shorts, but barely, and I could see the bloat. I didn’t help matters by drinking a lot of wine that week and staying up late after everyone went to bed to binge on “healthy” snacks I’d brought with us. They were calories I needed, but I ate most of my calories all at once late at night along with a glass of wine. I was so tempted to purge, but I couldn’t since it wasn’t our house, and it was a small house. I would have been heard. I’d never felt so fat.
Once we got home, we had a few weeks before our next vacation – a long weekend on Chincoteague Island. I spent the time detoxing and getting back into my workouts, and I started to feel a bit better. My body was still bloated, and I bought children’s size 14 jean leggings, but for the most part, I still thought I could fit into my double zeros forever. I was determined to do so. Somehow, despite the recent bloating, the four days on the Island were the last days I ever felt “skinny.”
Then we came home, and I started the New Rules of Lifting for Women. Now I REALLY gained weight. I still ate more and lifted heavy, and I was forced to face facts: I would have to buy new clothes.
Over the next year or so, I pretty much hated myself. I’d spend nights binging and sometimes purging. I stuffed my body into clothes that were too tight, praying for my weight to drop. I played with the idea of restricting again, and occasionally, I gave in. Sometimes I changed my mind about lifting and went back to cardio, but nothing changed. Throughout it all, Kiki and Lucia and a handful of others stuck around. They listened to my complaints and encouraged me to keep pushing forward. They filled my head with more and more knowledge about how to eat and what was happening to my body and why lifting is so important.
Eventually, I bought clothes that fit and started to feel marginally better. Gradually, I learned what kinds of workouts my body could handle without destroying my mental state. I finally stopped killing myself with 2 workouts/day and limited most of my cardio to HIIT (albeit LONG HIIT) and hid my scale away which made a HUGE difference in the way I felt about my body.
I can’t pinpoint the exact date or even the exact month, but at some point during 2013, my metabolism evened out. The bloating disappeared. I was still heavier and larger than I’d been during most of my late 20s, but I started to have “sleek” days. I started to enjoy lifting and to rejoice over the NSVs.
I can confidently say that 2014 has been the best year of my life in all the ways that matter. I’m learning about lifting phases and how to plan my workout rotations to keep my body guessing. I no longer stress my body with long HIIT or steady state sessions which means more time with my family. I FINALLY allow my body 2 days of rest each week, and to my surprise, that small change filled me with such relief! It was as though I was finally giving myself permission to sit back and enjoy those weekends without the stress of choosing a workout and trying to burn calories. Most days, I feel great!
I still stress sometimes over calories numbers – calories burned during workouts and calories consumed. I still have my “yuck” days, and I am still TERRIFIED to take a full rest week during vacation this year!
But I’ve learned so much over these past two years and come so far, it’s hard to believe I’m the same person. I no longer look at the pictures of myself when I was 90 pounds and yearn to be that small anymore. I’ve thrown out all of my double zeros and don’t even care what the number on the tags are when I go shopping for new clothes. I have everything from small to large, from 4 to 9, and I just don’t care anymore so long as it fits well and looks good. I’m more confident than I’ve ever been. I’m talking my entire life. I still have the parts of me I’d like to make better, but for the most part, I’ve given up the comparison to other women and the self-name-calling. I’ve given up looking at myself every day and walking away “knowing” I am fat. Because I’m not. Because I’m strong and fit and healthy and beautiful. I don’t feel that every day, but I almost never hate myself.
I could never have gotten here without all of you. Never. Thank you all so much for your love and support, for encouraging me through this journey rather than giving up on me. Here’s to the journey, no matter how tough. The end is nowhere in sight, but possibilities are endless.
Strong and fit!
by EM2WL | Apr 7, 2014 | The Journey
So I’ve sent in my success story before of my weight loss but I just thought I would follow up.
I hit my “goal weight” almost a year ago but when I hit it I knew I wanted more! Being 5’3 everything says I should weigh 130-140 so I’ve been trying for a year to get my weight down…during this time, I stopped counting my calories and tried to make better food choices by eating no processed food as much as I can but it slips in their here and there ;) I kept my weight training in and just recently added in a bit more cardio.
The scale never goes down, this whole time it only goes 150-155 and I’m so frustrated so I started meeting with a trainer and he’s been tracking my bodyfat, and in three weeks I went from 17% body fat to 16% and down 3.5lbs (of fat) but the scale has never moved. It’s been the same! That means I’m gaining muscle and losing fat! I feel so great and I finally believe that the scales LIE!!!! Here is a picture of only three weeks in which I went down in bodyfat percentage but not the scale.
I know how success stories keep me going everyday! Life struggles are always there and knowing the little things can push you through is what its all about!
Thanks ladies for all the inspiration!!!
Melanie
Have an EM2WL transformation to share? Willing to let us tag along on your journey? We’d love to see it! Be featured on our Transformation/Journey page by submitting your story to Success@EM2WL.com
by EM2WL | Feb 5, 2014 | Testimonials, The Journey
My name is Leigh, I’m 29 years old and my journey is not over. I don’t want it to EVER be over.
I was raised in the country by a single mom and two incredible grandparents. They often showed love through food. Biscuits, gravy, mashed potatoes, dumplings, cake. Country foods that men who worked on the farm all day would have no problem consuming and not gaining weight.
Unfortunately, to a sedentary child who preferred watching cartoons all day Saturday instead of going outside, this lifestyle was all wrong.
I’ve been overweight for longer than I can remember.
I remember being on diets. Always. My mom was healthy and active; she would encourage me to be the same way. I remember her trying to get me to go running with her.
I hated running.
We’d go for weeks eating nothing but a salad for dinner.
I hated lettuce. Especially iceberg (still do!).
Then, we tried the cabbage soup diet. Don’t EVER try the cabbage soup diet.
I joined a gym on my own when I started college. Whenever I was actively trying to lose weight on my own and my family members discovered it, it was a constant focus of conversation. “She’s on a diet again.” Eye roll.
When I joined the gym, I remember only telling my grandpa. He was good at keeping secrets and encouraging me in a way that didn’t make me feel like I was a fatty fat fatterson that just needed to eat bird food and run.
I went through cycles of gym time combined with a low-calorie diet – for years. When I turned 21 and discovered alcohol, I drank most of my calories and the weight piled on. Being the fat chick at a party was okay as long as I was drunk. My weight would go up, then down, then up and up some more.
I graduated college in 2006 and made a career choice in 2008 when I began working for a local county government in Public Information. I had to park my car on a hill and I worked on the first floor of the building. That meant four flights of stairs each evening to get to my car. Four flights of stairs to my obese body was … torture. It hurt. I couldn’t breathe. I was embarrassed.
I knew I had to do something. I’d been through the gym/diet continuum and didn’t want to enter a vicious cycle of ups and downs again.
The government office had a small gym equipped with a few free weights, a cable weight machine, an exercise bike, an elliptical and a couple treadmills.
I spent time researching weight loss. One site that popped up was MyFitnessPal.com – a weight loss support community where I could track my intake and my exercise and it was FREE!
MyFitnessPal calculated the calories I’d need to lose two pounds per week. It was the “magical” 1200! I reduced my calories to meet that low. Instead of eggs, bacon and toast for breakfast, I had cereal. Instead of chili and a baked potato for lunch, I had a scant sandwich. Instead of a big meal from a nice restaurant for dinner, I had a 6-inch sub from Subway.
I was still eating “junk” – just not nearly as much of it.
I started to lose weight. I began walking on the treadmill for a few minutes each day, finally working my way up to half an hour. Then, I tested the elliptical. Two minutes and … DONE! I dabbled with some weights (I’ve always favored lifting heavier), but never really picked up a routine.
The first time I stepped on the scale, it stared at me with a hard 280 pounds. I’m unsure of what I weighed before starting to lose; I was too afraid to step on the scale in the beginning.
My weight went down quite a bit. But … I began to binge. A night alone at home would wreak havoc on my entire week. I craved … pancakes. Crackers. Cookies. Cheese. Chips. Research told me I had an “underlying emotional void that I was trying to fill with food.” Bull; I was just HANGRY.
After a few years, my weight stabilized. I tried eating less, working out more, new workouts, gym classes, fasting and other extreme measures. Nothing.happened. Then – I tried eating more. I eventually took my 1200-calories per day up to 1800 and … I lost weight! A few pounds, but still weight! The next week, nothing. That scared me enough to take my calories back down to around 1200.
Finally, after searching and reading, I discovered a group on MyFitnessPal called Eat More 2 Weigh Less (EM2WL). What is this? Eat more and weigh less?! Pfft. Yeah – right!
I checked out some threads in the group. These people were living it; they were lifting heavy weights, eating 2000+ calories per day and … losing fat. A new mindset for me; your scale may not move, but your pants WILL get looser!
After some reading, I decided that since I’d been on a low-calorie diet for SO.FREAKIN’.LONG, I needed to do what the EM2WL group called a “reset.” Calculate your Total Daily Energy Expenditure (TDEE) and eat there for six weeks to allow your body to adjust and realize – “Hey! You’re not starving me anymore! I don’t have to hold on to every single calorie as fat for later use because I will be fed well regularly!”
The reset brought about an over 25 pound gain. Yes; my body GAINED weight eating what it should’ve required to MAINTAIN.
From there, I went into what is called a “cut.” I began to consume my TDEE minus 15 percent, creating a calorie deficit.
Because of my low-calorie life, it took me quite a while to begin losing weight again. It has not been an easy journey, but with EM2WL, it has become a more enjoyable one. I have delved into education; I read everything I can get my hands on and I have become more in tune with my body. Over the past few years I have discovered I have hypothyroidism (working on dosing with Armour) and am being tested for low cortisol and hormone imbalance with the help of an amazing physician.
Currently, I am the smallest I’ve been (size 14 pants (down from a size 24!!) and size L/XL shirts (down from a 3X!!)). I’m eating around 2000 calories per day of whole, good-for-me foods … with the occasional cupcake for sanity’s sake! ;) I recently began a Facebook page called Living with LA (https://www.facebook.com/living.with.la) to share what I’ve learned over the past five years with anyone who is willing to listen (message me if you have any questions!). I am a heavy lifter, I enjoy being active and no longer binge! I got married on Dec. 14, 2013 and am looking forward to continuing my healthy journey and starting a family.
If you’re battling the 1200-calories-per-day monster and wondering what it would feel like to EAT and continue your journey to health, do your research on EM2WL. The support here is like nothing else.
God bless!
Have you defeated the 1200 calorie diet monster? Have an EM2WL transformation to share? Willing to let us tag along on your journey? Let us know! Be featured on our Transformation/Journey page by submitting your story to Success@EM2WL.com
Ready to begin your own Journey? Start here.
by EM2WL | Jan 15, 2014 | Fat Loss / Cutting, Testimonials, The Journey
I am so much stronger, mentally and physically than I ever realised I could be, and so much of that I credit to trusting the process of Eat More To Weigh Less and challenging and trusting myself. I’m the lowest weight I’ve been since my mid 20s (I’m now 31) and my heart is lighter too.
I’ve lost over 29kgs / 64.3lbs in the last year. I now buy clothes in “straight sizes” instead of “plus sizes.” I lost most of that weight in the six months since I’ve been following Eat More To Weigh Less. I’m not at my “goal weight” yet but that has become less important over time, especially as I reflect on how I’ve changed my relationship with my body and food over the last year to a healthy one. For me the main reason to care about the number on the scale now is because one of my goals for 2014 is to be able to deadlift my own body weight. I focus on small weight loss goals at a time with no “ultimate” number in mind. I now celebrate muscle and strength gains more than I celebrate a loss on the scale. Eat More To Weigh Less has taught me how much the diet industry and women’s media has failed us, and lied to us. When I reflect on the knowledge I have now and share it with others who ask how they can be successful with weight loss like I am, this process feels like a radical truth.
Ten years ago I was thrown against a wall by an ex and suffered from what was probably undiagnosed whiplash. I spent the next decade in chronic and debilitating pain and experienced frequent migraines. The pain was so bad a neurologist said the reason I spent a year throwing up multiple times a day was “stomach migraine.” I was really fit and slim before the injury but now in pain, I became afraid of movement, my body got fat and tired and my anxiety and depression got worse. I had a couple of years of intensive physiotherapy for my neck, which didn’t help. I lived like a victim. This man wasn’t the last abuser in my life, but he was the one who did the most mental and physical damage.
I worked so hard over the years to heal from this trauma and made some progress, but never got there while overwhelmed with other chronic health issues and battling with my weight. Over the last couple of years I have followed my intuition to release that trauma, making unconventional choices in the right “therapies” or “treatments.” I focused on relationships of love and trust in my life, and learned to love myself past the body positivity I tried to practice. I finally decided that body positivity could also mean it was okay to want to change my body. When I joined MyFitnessPal earlier in 2013, I wanted to lose weight but realised I needed to stop crash dieting, because I would lose only to regain. I’d been doing a lot of cardio and resistance training, but I didn’t feel balanced, and I was still binge eating. Overcoming disordered eating is possible, but it took me months of mindfulness and vigilance, and realising that instant gratification wasn’t helping or satisfying me.
I was lucky that some of the women on my friends list were following Eat More To Weigh Less, and I was encouraged to check out the forum and website. I had been eating my BMR (and not eating back any exercise calories) and losing weight, but with all the exercise I was doing I was hungry all the time. In June I took a leap of faith and upped my calories slowly. Since then I have a better grasp of my TDEE and eat a 10-20% cut which is around 2000 calories a day to lose weight. When I started eating more was when really started to make strength gains and lose more weight, consistently. There were times when I doubted the process, but Eat More To Weigh Less has allowed me more freedom with food and my lifestyle.
I eat sweet treats in moderation (almost daily)
I love food and I’m a great cook, and much of my social life revolves around sharing food with friends. I don’t eat diet foods. I don’t believe food has a moral value and while I enjoy it in moderation, I don’t feel guilty about the choices I make. I don’t punish myself by exercising more just because I ate more on a given day. I’ve always known how to eat healthily (I was brought up vegetarian though I’m no longer one) with a focus on fruit, vegetables and whole grains. My problem was eating too much (sugar especially) with emotional and hormonal binge eating, taking different medications for my health that made me gain even more weight, and not exercising enough. I haven’t cut anything out while counting calories, in fact I’ve probably added more, but with a greater balance. I’ve never liked soft drink and I don’t drink a lot of alcohol either, but still enjoy it on occasion. I could never eat low carb because I love carbs. My main focus is my protein macro and eating over 100g of protein a day, to help in building muscle. I find if I focus on protein all my other macros fall in line. I break so many of those stupid “dieting rules” and eat late dinners, snack late at night (I hate going to bed hungry) and I eat dessert nearly every day. Something so important I learnt when overcoming disordered eating was learning to listen to my body and hunger again, and trust it. I now know when I need to eat more and I’m not afraid to.
This process needs patience and the results will come. Be kind to yourself and nourish your body and mind with good food and new challenges. Celebrate the changes in your body and improvements in fitness and strength. Honour your body for how hard it works for you even with all your perceived imperfections, how you can love and move with it. Reach out to the compassionate, sensible and wise EM2WL team and forum members when you’re struggling or unsure.
I made 2013 my year of focusing on getting other chronic health conditions I had under control. Eating more and being fitter and stronger helped me find the courage and energy to pursue treatments I needed, because I didn’t want anything holding me back with my fitness goals! I grew bored with the cardio and resistance training I was doing. A girlfriend of mine loved lifting and talked about it all the time and I was in awe of her, but still afraid of further injuring my neck and being in more pain. I saw all the inspiring women from Eat More To Weigh Less on my friends list lifting and I wanted to start. Your encouragement made me feel braver. I paid a trainer for a few sessions to teach me how to correctly and safely do compound lifts, and then started StrongLifts on my own.
I include Pilates just for “kicks”
I’m always looking for ways to challenge my fitness rather than staying still physically (and mentally). Kiki recently helped me reflect on how my relationship with cardio has changed. I used to do more cardio so I could burn more and lose more, and that worked because I was eating well. That approach is boring and exhausting though. I even used to do cardio and lift weights on the same days, I’d hate to contemplate doing that often now! My cardio goal for next year is to find more opportunities and time to go on hikes with local groups, because it’s nice to get out of the city and the hikes are challenging. I get a lot of NEAT because I don’t have a car and I walk a lot. I’ve never been a runner but I’ve started doing C25K. I really look forward to it and love that it’s only a half hour commitment three times a week. I LOVE how efficient my workout is when I concentrate on compound lifts three times a week. Something Kiki wrote that resonated with me about designing her workout schedule: “some things are included out of necessity, and other just for kicks.” For me, lifting and doing some cardio is necessary, and Pilates is my kicks when I find time for it, or yoga. I change my workout routine as I accomplish goals or get bored and need variety. I’m never doing hours of cardio again though, unless it’s outdoors. I even want to do Park Runs next year – the old me would have shied from running outdoors with people I don’t know.
When I started lifting heavy weights and got strong it all came together. Today I have a strong back and shoulders and can hold my neck up without exhaustion or pain. My posture has improved. My chronic pain is gone and I rarely get migraines. I’ve never felt as feminine as I do now with curves and muscle (I joke that my body type is now “muscular hourglass”). I thought there’d be a point before now where I’d look at my body and think, “That’s enough muscle.” I now know I’ve got a long way to go until that point, because I love celebrating more muscle! I’ve become a more confident woman in the last year. I wear sleeveless clothes outside the house now, and even wear a bikini to the beach.
I’m centred and I feel so powerful, and that feeling comes from challenging my strength and building muscle. I never thought I’d want my body to lift weights, and I didn’t know how much I’d enjoy it. Mentally I am calm and I feel like no one could (or should) mess with me. Family, friends and strangers remark on how happy, healthy and strong I am and look. I am less defensive and I don’t live in fear every day. If I ever have a daughter I will encourage her to do a martial art or lift weights, because I believe these are powerful practices to create a mental and physical posture to shield from potential abusers, and live with confidence and strength. To live with power. The real “secret” to my success so far has been getting strong!
I make sure to get in enough protein, & the rest falls into place!
Have an EM2WL transformation to share? Willing to let us tag along on your journey? We’d love to see it! Be featured on our Transformation/Journey page by submitting your story to Success@EM2WL.com
by EM2WL | Jan 8, 2014 | Building Muscle, Self Acceptance, Testimonials, The Journey, Transformations
All my life I was overweight which turned into obesity in my adulthood. To make matters worse, I had a very sedentary lifestyle. I never exercised, never even played sports. It was a bad combination which seemed to culminate in depression and a terrible body image. In June 2011, I decided to take control.
Over the past 2.5 years, I have tried many different paths to weight loss and fitness. It was fun at times, and other times it was miserable. What it came down to is everything I did, everything I ate seemed to have to point to weight loss or a better body which left me in a constant state of stress and being unsatisfied with myself. With time, patience and a big case of the need-to-know’s, I feel like I have finally arrived at a comfortable, happy, strong place in my life.
I’ve spent the past year focusing on lifting after an injury sidelined me from marathon training. 
I was devastated, but I did like lifting, so I thought it would be a good transitional fitness plan. Little did I know that while I was healing, I was catching a fever for strength! I thought I loved running… but the way I felt about running can’t even compare to the way I feel about lifting. I gave up endurance running and my dabblings in strength training, and decided to make lifting “my thing.” I had to get over my fears of giving up the cardio, I also had to get over my fears of TRULY eating to maintenance, and in the process, I quit taking “progress pics” every few weeks. I started looking WITHIN and making changes to match my inner desires and quit looking at it as a means to an end goal of aesthetics.
Suffice it to say, this brings us to today. Well, maybe not literally today, but you know what I mean ;) On Saturday November 30th, I competed in my very first powerlifting meet. It was one of the most rewarding and amazing experiences in my fitness journey to date! I went home with the first place gold medal for my weight class and the biggest grin you can imagine. I am so excited for my future in this sport.
One thing that I never imagined would happen is that my husband is supremely proud of me and takes every chance he can to brag on me. This is a man who does NOT lift, but is very fit and obviously secure in himself! He loves that I am strong, capable and most of all doing what I love to do. He is constantly telling me how sexy I am, and how lucky he is to have me… and after 11 years of marriage, this is pretty precious. I believe it’s the confidence I now have. Doing what I love doing and being confident must make me more beautiful to him.
In total, I have lost 75 pounds since June 2011. I have gained about 5-10 back over the past year in lean mass and muscle. My body fat has dropped about 5% since summer of 2012 and most importantly, I have been able to go from eating 1400-1700 cals and “maintaining” the summer of 2012, to eating 2600-3000 and maintaining today.
Success looks different for different people. This is my success. I will not be “more successful” once I lose more fat, or have more developed muscles, I am not just a work in progress. My biggest success lies within and cannot be seen with your eyes, but can be found in my passion, confidence and dedication.
Down 70lbs and maintaining on 2600-3000 cals!
First Powerlifting meet
First place gold medal!
Have an EM2WL transformation to share? Willing to let us tag along on your journey? We’d love to see it! Be featured on our Transformation/Journey page by submitting your story to Success@EM2WL.com
by EM2WL | Dec 10, 2013 | Testimonials, The Journey
Success found – losing weight and finding self-acceptance while increasing calorie intake!
March 1st 2012 I decided was going to make some changes in my life by losing weight and exercising. I weighed 255 lbs, my highest weight ever. I began logging on MFP and followed their recommendations of 1610 + exercise cals to lose 2 lbs a week. I wanted the weight off fast and at first it was. Even faster than 2 lbs a week. Which I now know means I had estimated my daily activity too low at sedentary. Every 10 lbs I lost MFP would prompt me to lower my cals. By June I was down over 30 lbs and eating 1420 + exercise cals. Then my weight-loss stalled. I was doing all the same things, exercising and eating, and yet I wasn’t losing weight. My energy seemed to be gone as well and worst of all my hair began to fall out. A lot. I basically lost about 1 1/2 inches from my hairline and the rest of my hair became frighteningly thin. I was scared. I had blood work done and everything came back normal. In my brain I couldn’t comprehend that I could be eating what I thought was so healthy and yet feeling bad and losing my hair. Something wasn’t right and everything was pointing to my diet.
By August I decided to up my cals to 1610 + exercise cals again. I also started taking a multivitamin with iron. I increased my protein to a minimum of 100 g a day. My energy came back and I began to lose weight again.
Something also changed in my thinking about this time. I realized that my focus should not be on what I can’t eat, what is not healthy, or what is bad…it should be about ADDING healthy nutritious food. My focus began to slowly shift from losing weight to being healthy. I liked feeling fit. I liked challenging my body to do things it couldn’t do before.
In October I began a new 90 day workout program called Supreme 90. This was the toughest workout I had ever done, but I loved it. I loved the sense of accomplishment in completing each month. I also started to notice my appetite really starting to rev up, so I upped my cals again to 1700. I felt better and my workouts got better and better.
In the midst of this the holidays showed up. I ate what I wanted, enjoyed my family and felt no guilt. Always in the past when I had “dieted” I would not allow myself to go off diet even for special occasions because I couldn’t trust myself to go back on my “diet.” How sad is that?
By the end of the program I had lost about 12 lbs and several inches from all over my body. Bringing my total weight loss to about 60 lbs. I had also upped my cals to 1800 + exercise cals when I began to feel hungry all the time. I was beginning to learn to listen to what my body was telling me!
Afterwards, I began to transition into heavy lifting. I had joined Eat More 2 Weigh Less and I was totally inspired by all the beautiful women there. My husband and I had found a great deal on Craigslist for an Olympic weight set and bench. My focus turned even more to what my body could do. I loved being able to lift more weight every week. I also started trying to learn more about how to eat to meet my strength goals. I’ve been challenged by Becca, Lucia, Kiki, Jennifer, Cheri and so many other wonderful women by their amazing examples of hard work and dedication. Thank you all.
Since May I have basically maintained my size and stayed within 5lbs of my low weight. I’m not really sure because I have stopped weighing myself. I’ve learned that the scale is a poor judge of my health, size, weight or even character. It’s a number that can’t measure my attitude or love for myself. And that has grown so much since I started this journey. I’ve learned perseverance, patience, dedication and I’ve also learned that I am much stronger than I ever thought. Not only physically but mentally. This past July I injured my back and was flat on my back for several days followed by about 6 weeks of slow recovery. It was hard, but I did what was best for my body and rested. I couldn’t lift and was able to only do light stretching and some low impact cardio, but I did what I could. I was tempted to drop my calories because I didn’t want to gain weight, but I also knew that I didn’t want to lose muscle or hamper my recovery, so I continued to eat about 2000 calories a day. I didn’t gain weight, I didn’t grow out of my clothes and when I could finally lift again I could even still bench press what I had been previously.
I have gone from a very tight size 22 jeans to a size 12-14 — losing weight by doing the opposite of what all the popular diets tell you to do. I’ve upped my calories. Seems counter intuitive but I’ve learned to listen to my body and trust what it is telling me. Am I recovering well from workouts? Am I feeling rested? What is my body craving and why? Are my lifts feeling strong and consistently getting stronger?
For me, those are all indicators that tell me if I am fueling my correctly. Food and my body are no longer the enemy to be subdued. Cravings are not a sign of weakness, they are my body talking to me. I move in a way that makes me feel happy. I lift because I love feeling strong. I eat food I love and that help fuel the wonderful machine that is my body. I’m proud of my thick thighs and booty that have more fat and excess skin than is “socially” acceptable. People may look at me and still see a fat woman, but that is ok, because I look in the mirror and love the woman looking back at me, for the first time ever. I don’t weigh myself because there is no scale that can measure that. I am free. Free from the voices in my head, on the magazines and TV that tell me I need to be less. I am enough…actually I am more than enough, I am perfectly and wonderfully made. Right now, not someday. I eat and exercise because I love myself. I love myself because I was first loved by Him who created me. Whatever size I am or become is just a result of the love I have for me and the love I have from Him. What an amazing place to be.
It’s been about two years since I met Kiki and Lucia and the EM2WL society. Two years since I started really listening to the advice given to me. Two years since I started fighting the false need to restrict and purge, two years since I threw out the 100-calorie meals and traded them in for what my body really needed, two years since I put down the baby weights and picked up a barbell.
Once we got home, we had a few weeks before our next vacation – a long weekend on Chincoteague Island. I spent the time detoxing and getting back into my workouts, and I started to feel a bit better. My body was still bloated, and I bought children’s size 14 jean leggings, but for the most part, I still thought I could fit into my double zeros forever. I was determined to do so. Somehow, despite the recent bloating, the four days on the Island were the last days I ever felt “skinny.”
I can’t pinpoint the exact date or even the exact month, but at some point during 2013, my metabolism evened out. The bloating disappeared. I was still heavier and larger than I’d been during most of my late 20s, but I started to have “sleek” days. I started to enjoy lifting and to rejoice over the NSVs.
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