As you know this has been quite difficult for me. With the past of the eating disorder trying to take control. I have had many slips but never given up. I had anorexia for 10 years, being emaciated, tube fed, detained. Then bulimia for 15 years (nearly 3 years purge free) I have always had a horrible history with food and eating.

I had known for some time something had to change but I felt I lacked the skills to change this. I felt stuck. I felt powerless. I believed I would have to live the rest of my life diet yo-yoing, a miserable thought. I wanted to change because of my two daughters. I did not want them following my bad habits. I knew what I wanted but how to make it happen?

I spent a decade hating myself, starving myself, purging…my life was a complete mess. I’d go 30 days straight without eating and still exercising, then wondering why I was in hospital being tube fed. I wanted freedom, but I never thought I would be free. I felt like a bird trapped in a cage. My life was the same every day. Get up weigh myself, shower, gym for 2-3 hours. Shower. Go home. School. Home, read ways to burn more calories. Bed. That was my life…then there would be days I’d binge and purge from hunger, enemas, and laxatives. But my life changed for the greater good when I was in hospital detained, being tube fed, not being able to leave bed…I had that light bulb moment. From there on I gained a lot of weight, my body was confused and held onto everything I ate.

What made my recovery harder for me was having 3 miscarriages and having a premature son at 24 weeks who lived 6 days. The guilt. The hate. The anger. The depression. Talk about a major relapse.

Then I discovered EM2WL and this is where my story begins…

I have been sitting here for nearly 30 minutes wondering how to start this entry. I think with last year, trying so hard to lose weight and putting in so much effort and getting very little results has made me think. It’s been something I have been trying to put the pieces together for a little while now.

You’d think with tracking your calories for a year (and honestly) keeping to a 1400 calorie diet and going to the gym nearly every day (burning 400-500 calories) I’d have results. After weeks of trying to find information I came across “Eat More to Weigh Less” I was a little hesitant to go there and look but the other part of me was interested.

I can starve, I can purge, but for the life of me I cannot get this weight off me healthy. I’m trying to learn, but it is hard!

Spending hours reading, and talking to people it has been a real eye opener. The amounts they eat and with half the exercise I’m doing and losing weight…I was/am jealous!!! Reading their stories, they were all so similar to mine, their history. Looking at the photos, amazed me. I had to admit I was very interested…

As they say if what you are doing isn’t working then something has to change. I’m ready for change.

I knew how many calories I was eating. I had a start. I went to many TDEE calculators to see what numbers it would give me. These numbers blew me away, I couldn’t believe it. It took me days for this to sink in and make some sense. My TDEE was just over 2700!!! For weight loss 2200, my jaw dropped.

I had a random thought last night, before the birth of my youngest daughter, Jasmine, I lost weight easily because I was eating more and not killing myself at the gym. Things were starting to click with me. Maybe this was the missing piece of the puzzle I needed.

I spent the past four weeks bringing my calories from 1400 to 1600 calories. I have had to change my exercise because I am draining myself, giving myself no rest or time to recover.

So I have had to make two massive scary changes.

1) Eat more
2) Less HIIT

So, right now I am working on doing HIIT 3 times a week and eating 2200 calories. No less than 2000 calories a day, no excuses.

I can do this, because I want this. This will be my year.

It has been a real challenge, good and bad, but mostly good. I have been doing a metabolism reset for nearly two months. When I first started I was on average 1400-1500 calories. I was always hungry on that, grumpy because I was hungry, the list goes on. Over the past two months I have been adding to my calories. Normally 100 calories every week, sometimes I’d stay there for two weeks. After all there was no rush, I wanted this to be for life, not just for now.

At this current moment I’m at 2000 calories. I’ve had so many challenges and fears to overcome. The two main ones were:

1) I cannot eat that much. Yes I can. It’s been a process, but I can. It’s actually quite easy. A serving of mixed nuts, there is 200 calories. Not crap food but food that will make me grow strong. If I have too many calories left over I’ll have a banana smoothie, or a small bowl of ice cream. I have added food back into my diet that I thought was too high in calories… nuts, seeds, peanut butter, a glass of milk. Oh my how I love nuts!!! Little things but it all adds up. I always feel so hungry lately, it feels completely weird. I have had to learn how to balance out my food over the day, a little planning goes along way.

2) I will gain too much weight. Oh my how this did my head in… If I was eating 1300-1400 calories and not losing and gaining how could this possibly work?! But I knew in my heart, that something had to change…and now. While doing this I have not gained ANY weight. I was scared I would gain so much weight. Yet I haven’t gained ANY weight. This has really played with my head and done amazing things.

Everything I believed about eating X and no more than X calories for so long, has been so wrong. It has been life changing. I have always been jealous of people who could eat so much and gain nothing… This has been the biggest hurdle for me in my recovery. I’d eat ‘normal’ amounts and gain. Then I’d go back to what I knew worked for me, yet in reality it was only screwing me up more. My goal is to get my calories up to my TDEE (2600/2800 calories) then drop it to 2200/2400 calories. From my understanding once I’ve been at these calories for two months and do a cut I should start to lose weight.

This is not easy for me, while doing this I have had to challenge so many of my core beliefs, it is hard but it has been worth it. I just wish I knew about this much earlier. I’m really enjoying this journey, I’m really enjoying the food. I love this, this is an amazing journey…thank you for sharing it with me.